Hook of the Week: Hoop Dancing

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Sarah Jordan nailed this hook. I only had a few tiny notes (see below) to this near-perfect hook for a fun and interesting training product. See if you can spot what’s missing before you read my notes.

Check it out Sarah’s original hook: 

I’m the creator of the Hooping with Kids Hoop Teacher Training Program. When I started teaching adults in 2009, I struggled for almost a year, paying rent to teach in a crowded market.

Until I discovered a little known secret that’s helped me teach thousands of children’s hoop dance classes in 6 states.

Now I’m one of the most in-demand performer sand hoop dance teachers in Pennsylvania, and I never have to “pay to teach.” Hundreds of Hooping with Kids graduates are teaching my curriculum all around the world.

To learn exactly how I did this and how you can do the same, click here and you’ll get instant access to my special free webinar, “How to Earn $100 an hour (minimum) as a hoop dance teacher for kids.”

————-

Did you spot what was missing?

My notes to Sarah:

Excellent! Only a few small things I would change. First is adding your name to the identity, then dropping the 6 states, or the Pennsylvania because mentioning both will create a disconnect.

How about adding a line to the beginning that says, “Hi, I’m Sarah, a hoop dance teacher from Pennsylvania.” Then you can leave the 6 states in for the cool social proof. Plus, you can save the big reveal of the training program until after the discovery, so that it’s pure story leading up to that.

My rewrite:

Hi, I’m Sarah, a hoop dance teacher from Pennsylvania…

When I started teaching hoop dancing in 2009, I struggled for almost a year, barely able to paying rent on my teaching studio.

Until I discovered a little known secret that’s helped me teach thousands of children’s hoop dance classes in 6 states.

Now I’m one of the most in-demand performers and hoop dance teachers in the world, and I never have to “pay to teach” or stress over rent.

Hundreds of Hooping with Kids graduates are teaching my curriculum all around the world. And I recently created the Hooping with Kids Hoop Teacher Training Program.

To learn exactly how I did this and how you can do the same, click here and you’ll get instant access to my special free webinar, “How to Earn $100 an hour (minimum) as a hoop dance teacher for kids.”

I’ll see you there!

—–

Check out Sarah’s website here

She also followed my advice to feature more of herself and her story on the site and now she’s on her way to niche celebrity status.

Makes me wanna hoop dance.

If you’d like to spend focused 1-1 time with me to polish up your hook and show you how to use it for all it’s worth, like Sarah did… click here to schedule an appointment.

I’ll give you instructions on what to bring to the appointment and then buckle up for an action packed session of “A-ha!” and “Oh Wow!moments.

Kevin

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Kevin Rogers
Kevin Rogers
Kevin Rogers is a stand up comic turned copywriter and now a copy chief. Kevin is also a best-selling author of The 60-Second Sales Hook. He created Copy Chief to bridge the gap between biz owners eager to improve their sales conversions and copywriters eager to show off their hard-won copy chops.
Showing 5 comments
  • Sarah Jordan
    Reply

    Thanks so much for featuring me, Kevin! It’s an honor for the feature and your excellent advice. I’m loving your newsletter and blog. Keep up the amazing work, Sarah.

    • Kevin Rogers
      Reply

      Happy to feature you, Sarah.

      Thanks for kicking ass.

      Kevin

  • Jason
    Reply

    My stab at the copy re-write if I may:

    Hi, I’m Sarah, a hoop dance teacher from Pennsylvania …until I discovered a little known secret that put me in front of thousands of paying students from 6 different states, I struggled. Hard.

    When I started teaching hoop dancing in 2009, I could barely pay rent on my studio but now I’m one of the most in-demand performers and hoop dance teachers in the world. Thanks to the secret I learned, I’ll never have to “pay to teach” or stress over rent.

    I’m so grateful to this secret that I developed a curriculum, Hopping with Kids Hoop Teacher Training Program, so that other teachers like you can use to do the same.

    Now, hundreds of Hopping with Kids graduates are teaching my curriculum all around the world.

    To learn exactly how I did this and how you can too, click here and you’ll get instant access to my special free webinar “how to earn $100 an hour (minimum) as a hoop dance teacher for kids”.

    I’ll see you there!

    • Kevin Rogers
      Reply

      Hey Jason… thanks for playing.

      I see where you took a more direct approach. That can be a very effective in certain circumstances. (What Carlton calls, “just sell the damn thing”)

      But with this hook formula it’s all about quickly building to the big reveal. In your version, that first sentence give away the “punchline”. When we do that too quickly we shortcut the reader’s ability to bond with the author through sharing her adventure.

      Because this formula is purposely short, we can take each line in order and not worry about losing attention.

      Kevin

      • Jason
        Reply

        Subtleties in writing a message are fascinating.

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